Wednesday, April 1, 2009

What's What Special April Fool's Edition 4/1


For years you've been saying it behind our backs, and once in awhile to our faces, so in 2009 we've decided it's high time we give in to popular demand. As of April 1st, l'étoile magazine will henceforth be known as "l'étwat magazine." The elitist attitude you've come to know and love will remain in tact, and we'll go above and beyond to inform you of even more events you probably won't be on the guest list for. To kick it all off, we've created this special edition of the new l'étwat magazine, highlighting some of our favorite cooler-than-you cohorts. Check out our brand new "Newswire" section, bringing you hot gossip and scene news, plus special features and articles on artists, musicians, and more (See today's "Before they were Stars" feature on DJ duo Tendercakes). Enjoy yourself today, and believe us when we say, you definitely need a makeover!



Too Much Love Calling it Quits?

This week DJ Soviet Panda made the shocking announcement that his wildly popular dance night, Too Much Love, would be canceled. l'étwat tracked down SP to ask a few pressing questions...

Too Much Love was so successful, why did you decide to cancel it?

Soviet Panda: Well, despite the easy money and easy girls, I kept telling myself I'm meant for something bigger, which is why I've decided to give up my life as a super star DJ to concentrate on my acting career.

l'étwat: Acting career? We didn't know you could act!

SP: It's a little known fact. I actually first starred in a Teddy Ruxpin commercial when I was 5 years old -- that's when I caught the acting bug. After that I went on to play rolls such as "child running with scissors," "extra" and "bully #2." When I got a bit older, I scored a roll playing a breakdancing Willow Tree in a teen musical theater company, which is when I became acquainted with "scratching records" and "beats." After that, my life took a different path, eventually leading me to Too Much Love.

l'étwat: So what are your plans? Do you have an acting job yet?

SP: Well, I have a lot of experience you know, Teddy Ruxpin commercial and all, so I am just going to wait for them to come to me. I did send out an audition tape Fox 9 News though, I read on their website they are looking for someone to crouch under the news desk and massage the anchor's calves in between segments. It's not really an acting job, but I think Robyne Robinson has killer gams, so I sent in the tape.

l'étwat: Ok. Well, do you have any plans to ever return to the turntables?

SP: Probably not. I am currently concepting my own cable access show entitled "Rock, Paper, Scissors" which is a full hour of a close up of my hand repeatedly playing rock, paper, scissors -- you know, so people can play along in their homes? That homeless guy that plays the bongos outside of 1st Ave told me it was brilliant, and I really respect that dude. My long term goal is to win an Oscar, so look out world, here I come!

Eclecticoiffeur Scores a Big Job

Our favorite styling troupe, Eclecticoiffeur, has been hard at work this year, producing photo shoots galore and helping bring the hottest local and national trends to your attention. A little birdy leaked some hot gossip to l'étwat: EC has been hired on by the National Association for People with Butt Chins to lead a campaign designed to promote the much laughed about facial feature. EC stylist Jahna Peloquin revealed exclusively to l'étwat, "For years, the butt chin has been considered an unattractive attribute. Much like Jennifer Connolly's unibrow or Angelina Jolie's fish lips, we think we can spin the butt chin into a national trend. Before you know it, people will be having their chins surgically split, thanks to us." she adds, "Celebrities like Ben Affleck, Michael Douglas, and Brooke Hogan all sport stylish butt chins, and everyone seems to like them." EC members Kelsy Osterman and Di Medlock concur, "People like butts. Let's face it. No pun intended!" laughs Kelsy. Di states, "As a makeup artist, I think adding a light dusting of body glitter and a little creative shadowing is all it takes to make your butt chin sparkle." EC's photo editorial "Butt Chins and Bling" will be featured in next week's issue of


Are Robyne Robinson and Scott Seekins Perfect Strangers?

Two of our hometown heroes have been cast to star in a remake of 80s hit show Perfect Strangers. The role of "Cousin Larry" will be played by Robinson, while the mad cap antics of "Balki" will be recreated by the charismatic Seekins. Details have yet to be officially released, but a Hollywood insider leaked the below promo pic and revealed exclusively to l'etwat that production will begin this May, and both Robinson and Seekins are said to be "ecstatic."




Dare to Dream

@ Fox Tax Gallery
501 1st Avenue NE
Northeast Minneapolis

6-10pm / Free

Just like a majestic bald eagle spreading its wings to fly, well-known curator and director, Emma Berg, takes the traditional concept of fine art to new heights. The new exhibit at Fox Tax entitled Dare to Dream is a vast collection of rare and out of print 1990s corporate motivational posters. Says Berg, "My day job as a HR professional at Target Corporation is obviously a big part of my life, and so is the art scene, so marrying these two concepts has always been a dream of mine." she adds, "Plus, I think bald eagles are really cool, and there are lots of bald eagles in motivational posters." Fox Tax Gallery owner Mark Fox says, "Since Emma installed the show earlier this week, productivity in the office has gone through the roof. We've even cut back our day drinking. If you ask me, nothing says "Teamwork" like a poster of a bunch of dudes holding hands while tandem skydiving." The opening reception will cap off with a corporate team-building workshop lead by Berg which will include trust-fall exercises and a 15 minute lecture about sexual harassment in the workplace.



Bella Koshka CD Release Party

@ Ground Zero
15 4th St NE

Midnight / 21+ / $10

Beloved local band Bella Koshka owns up to their own long-denied "goth" stereotype tonight by unveiling a new, one-track album entitled The Vampire Rises at Midnight. Poppin' off at historic Ground Zero, a cavernous, industrial-chic space perfectly suited for this epic event, the performance will feature a 45 minute long sound collage of rearranged audio clips from the 1931 Bela Lugosi classic, Dracula. Daywalkers will be captivated by the spooky sound of the new piece, as violinist Hilary Davis marathon-whistles throughout, and lead singer Laura Boland debuts her mad beat-boxing skillz for the first time -- creating the perfect soundtrack for good old fashioned self mutilation! In lieu of an opening band, Bella Koshka will release 100 rabid bats into the audience to kick things off.



Neon Bandana Swap

@ Robot Love Parking Lot
27th & Lyndale
Uptown Minneapolis

Noon to 3pm / Free

Popular design boutique ROBOTlove does its part to help hipsters remain en vogue during these trying economic times with today's Neon Bandana Swap. Bring your gently used banditos, neckerchiefs, and bibs to this Uptown staple and trade up! That hot pink bandana with the bright green and yellow paint splatters you've worn to Too Much Love a few too many times can be upgraded for a houndstooth fringe scarf, or maybe even a kitten bandito with an alcohol-related blood stain on it. ROBOTlove owner Kristoffer Knutson says, "While ROBOTlove mostly specializes in designer toys, housewares, and books, I'm a firm believer that no hipster kid should be without the proper gear, no matter their budget. If you don't have a bandana, feel free to bring your castoff lenseless glasses, fanny packs, or Run DMC t-shirts to trade." Show up early for complimentary Red Bull and ironic hot dogs, while supplies last.



Solid Gold Braces Benefit

@ Clubhouse Jager
923 Washington Ave N

9pm / 21+ / $50

Head to Clubhouse Jager tonight and support a good cause as hometown heroes Solid Gold put on a wild benefit concert! Proceeds will go to help fund the band's longtime dream of getting braces. Says lead singer Zach Coulter, "Our teeth are pretty much perfect. In fact, everything about us is pretty much perfect. But if we're going to really be number one, it means going the extra mile and having the most perfectly perfect teeth. Sure, our music is good. But what really sets us apart is our dashing good looks - that's what we have to count on if we want to get anywhere in this industry, hence braces for the entire band!" The $50 cover charge will include a 5-song concert by Solid Gold, followed by a guy in an over-sized tooth costume performing David Bowie covers for three hours.



Bill Cosby Sweater Fire Sale

@ Coon Rapids Goodwill
11000 Crooked Lake Blvd. NW
Coon Rapids


If you've been searching for the perfect ensemb to wear to the next ironic hipster convention, you've come to the right place! Hundreds of Cosby sweaters will be sold at bargain basement prices in assorted styles such as "geometric," "80s couch upholstery," "rejected Mexican poncho," and "eye-searing." Colors combinations may include, but are not limited to, teal, mustard, rust, brown, cream, fuchsia, hunter green and salmon. Also on sale will be a case of unearthed Dwayne Wayne flip glasses, nude photos of Lisa Bonet, and used copies of "Fatherhood." Complimentary Jello puddin' pops and jazz-shuffle lessons will be available on a first-come first-served basis.




Sexy sister DJ Duo Tendercakes has been all over the place this past year, playing the coolest parties and slingin' the hottest jams. But who were they before they were famous? L'etwat has unearthed a couple articles from our vaults by long-time correspondent Andi Hillestad, that paint a very different picture of the two glamorous record flippers.

An American Biography: Molly Louise Roberts

In this day and age it's sometimes hard for a girl to keep her chin up. American females are constantly bombarded with images of "perfect 10" women with no hopes of ever living up to their beauty. But in this great country there are also heroes that fight to balance the scales. Molly Louise Roberts is one such hero. I visited her at her salon, "Go Girl", located in an abandoned Dairy Queen in January 2006.

As I followed her through her establishment, she explained the philosophy behind the Go Girl Salon. "We pride ourselves on transforming women not only on the outside, but on the inside as well." She told me.

Molly stood behind a woman in a burnt up salon chair and began examining her hair.

"See, take this client, for instance- she's practically deformed. But I can use my gift to turn "it" into something that won't make people want to throw up. That's why I don't call myself a hair stylist. I'm a self esteem stylist."

The woman looked up at Molly. "Why are you combing my hair with a pinecone?"

Molly put her hands comfortingly on her clients shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Don't worry. When I'm done I'm sure someone will have sex with you… Probably."

Molly whispered to me "I'm gonna pray on that!" and escorted me into the next portion of the salon. We entered a small reception lobby with a color crayon sign that read "Self Esteem Therapy."

"This is a program I designed myself as part of the "inside" transformation we provide for these women. You can take a look at our Services List and get a feel for what it's all about while I finish up with my client"

I looked up at an old DQ wall menu with a list of services and short descriptions posted on it:

Ugly Therapy:
I will show you several pictures of people who are much uglier than you and you can look at them.

T-shirt Replacement Therapy: I will give you an oversized t-shirt with a picture of a sexy bikini body on it. It's so realistic you can even fool a scientist!

New Face Therapy: I have life sized photocopies of my face that I will cut out and glue over your existing face. (I'm foine)

Eye Patch Therapy: I will give you an eye patch that will help to draw the attention away from your ugliness. If you are abnormally ugly, a rhinestone peace sign can be added to the eye patch to draw additional attention away.

Just then Molly emerged with her newly beautified client and exclaimed "AMAZING! Isn't it? I added some extensions for extra body- she's like a new woman! That will be four hundred dollars."

"But all you did was duct tape some shoelaces to my head and they don't even match!" Said the woman, "That costs four hundred dollars???"

Molly threw a DQ napkin dispenser at her face and said "YES BITCH!" then she took her purse and dragged her out the front door.

"Let me just put this in the cash register." Molly said as she pulled out a cardboard box full of purses. "Another satisfied customer! Now if you have any more questions, here's my card."

Molly handed me an empty packet of grape Kool-Aid.

"Call any time, but just so you know, I'll need those Kool-Aid Points back when you're done. This isn't a charity."

An American Biography: Josie Bell Roberts

A modern day hero, Josie Bell Roberts is a brilliant example of what the American Family is all about. As a stay at home mother, she devotes her whole life to the well being of her husband and two lovely children. I was lucky enough to tag along with the family one Monday in December 2005.

At sunrise, Josie wakes her family by shooting a gun into the wall.

"Oh don't worry," she assured me, "This is our special shootin' wall. We use it for practice, play, and just blowing off steam. It's great for waking everyone up, and it keeps the kids on their toes in case of martial law. Homeland security is a high priority in this house. I'm not really sure what's on the other side of this wall, but finding out is on the top of my to-do list."

Josie laid out the children's clothes for the day. For Lucy, she chose a magenta unitard and a Dale Earnhardt Jr. "Nascar" helmet. For Oliver, she laid out a purple dashiki and tap shoes, saying "This way, I can hear him if he tries to get up. It's sort of like putting a bell on a cat, but it's tap shoes on a baby."

As the kids were just getting ready for breakfast, Jeremy was heading out the door for work.

"WAIT! Don't forget your lunch!" Yelled Josie as she quickly filled his Kirby Pucket lunch box with a raw lobster. "Microwave it for 5 minutes on low" she said and out the door he went.

For the kids, she fried up a package of pork chops.

"As you may know, I'm raising my children on the Atkins Diet so they eat meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I like to trim the fat off of Lucy's portion, because her cholesterol is through the roof."

After breakfast, it was time go out.

"It's cold out, so put on your blankets kids." She told them. "Jeremy and I talked about it and decided that jackets are just blankets with sleeves, and we already have plenty of blankets so that's one of the places we save money in our budget."

We all piled into the car and headed out. Lucy drove and Josie rode shotgun.

"The first place we go is to drop off Oliver at his Baby Jujitsu class. We want him to know how to fight, that way he can protect the house. We don't have a dog so that responsibility falls on him."

After we dropped off Oliver, we pulled up to St. Paul Central High School. "This is where Lucy spends her days. She's only 5 and she's failing all her classes, but it's cheaper than daycare and she seems to like it."

Lucy grabbed her blanket and kissed her mom. "Word, I'm out!" she said as she kissed her fingers and made a peace sign, LL style.

"My little girl," Josie said fondly, "I'm just so proud of her."

We headed back to the house where we spent the rest of the day watching Mo Po, Oprah, and Judge Mills-Lane. At 3:00 I asked if we needed to go pick up the kids, to which Josie responded "Oh, no. They have cab money." And sure enough, 10 minutes later Lucy and Oliver came walking/crawling in the door.

Josie gave them both a loving high five and said "Hang up your blankets. There's some bacon on the table if you kids want a snack." Jeremy shuffled in the door soon after and emptied the lobster exoskeleton out of his lunch box into the trash.

After a dinner of beef jerky imitation crab legs, they put on some music.

"Time for Family C-Walk hour!" said Josie and Jeremy.

"YAY!" said the kids.

I was going to point out to them that they were not doing the "C-Walk" but only running in a circle, but they seemed happy, so I kept it to myself.

Josie went to the window. "Uh-oh. The suns going down… vampires will be out soon. Quick everyone, brush your teeth and put on your PJs!"

Once they were all ready for bed, Lucy led them in a prayer.

"Dear Elron Hubbard, thank you for my mom, thank you for my dad, thank you for Oliver, and most of all, thank you for my Latin Stars Hologram Poggs, especially Gloria Estefan. Amen."

"Amen." Said the rest of the family.

Josie looked at me and said "Get the fuck out!", then Oliver punched me in the throat. "HI-YA!"

When I woke up, I was in a bush on Marshall Avenue with a note stapled to my head that said "Don't come back!"


What's What Special Edition by Kate Iverson, Robyn Lewis, and Andi Hillestad

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